Me, myself and I xx

Recently I’ve been reading some great blogs written by women who are very raw, honest and truthful. They haven’t been afraid to share their story however ugly, taboo or terrible it may sound. Which got me thinking about my own blog and my own writing and in some ways this led me to start thinking about my every day life.

You see I’ve always liked to think that as I’ve grown older I’ve become more honest with myself and with others, that I tell it like it is no holds barred. Don’t get me wrong I’m not nasty – except for the time I told this guy my partner knew that “no I don’t like you actually” after he came out and said to me “you don’t like me do you?” Well he asked the question I just supplied the answer, even if I could have maybe sugar coated it a little. Which really brings me to my point that I have always thought I am straightforward and say it like it is.

It turns out I’m not quite like that 100% of the time. I’ve realised that if I’m telling a story about a passing stranger or an acquaintance, or saying something to them I am honest, brutally honest to the point of seeming harsh. But if it’s someone I know, love or care about there are a lot of stories I don’t tell and a lot of things I don’t say, or things I sugar coat.

When I’m thinking about stories for my blog I come up with about 2 or 3 stories a day but I quickly shelf them when I’ve done the following inner monologue: will someone think I’m writing about them, will I upset someone, will someone get offended, will someone get angry and so on and so forth. By the time I’ve done this I have vittoed a dozen stories which recently has lead me to a point where I haven’t written anything on my blog. Even if I want to write a story about myself or my daughter I don’t (or I’m careful with what I write when I do)  in case someone might think it has anything to do with them or I’m trying to make a point or get something across, when really it might just be a story about me or LMM that I want to share for myself.

In some respects I’ve lost my voice, hidden under a veil of fear, fear that if confronted I would have to confront the person before me, even if the answer is  “no the story has nothing to do with you” or “I’m sorry you feel that way I didn’t write it to upset you” – would they always wander if I was telling the truth? So I stay silent and have less and less to write about which isn’t why I started my blog in the first place. It was to share my thoughts and feelings and stories and to have a voice, to be heard by others instead of keeping it just within  the confines of my mind.

Its sad really to realise not only do you hold back in a blog that you write for fun, but when you start looking at things a little closer your holding back on saying the things you want to in every day life. From fear of confrontation and the consequences of what you have to say may bring, especially when it envolves those you love and care about. 

Even as I write this I’m thinking who’s going to come to me and say are you writing about me? Are there things that your not saying to me that you want to say but you don’t know how? When in this case in this blog the  answer is no the story isn’t about you and no there’s nothing I want or need to say to you right now. It’s just a blog about me, no one else.

So making this miraculous discovery about myself will I find my voice? Will I say what I have to say and write what I want to write? Instead of analysing every story before I even think about writing it, carefully hand picking a subject that won’t relate to anyone. I would like to hope that reading some of these women’s blogs and their own truth they tell will inspire me and give me the strength I’ve misplaced to tell my own truth and really what is just my version of a story that could be told in many different ways by many different voices.

So, here’s to writing the stories we want to tell and saying the things we want to say without fear and a running inner monologue putting you off xx

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