I was chatting to some of the younger staff at work the other day about Instagram and I was boasting that I had just hit 150 followers – pat on the back for me I was thinking! I was quickly re buffed from one of the young boys who said I’m on 720 followers (all right now, no need to show off, let a woman have her moment.) Curiously, I asked how does one get so many followers on Instagram? I was quickly educated that it’s all about the hashtag, the more popular the hashtag you use the wider audience you get. For likes it’s also about the time you post your picture. Quite frankly it sounds a little scary for my liking – like a pass for any Joe blow to stalk you – but if it’s all about the followers who am I to argue?
One of the young boys said “you should check out this mum that’s from Australia, she’s just an average mum and wife with two kids, she has 4 million followers and Instagram pays her over a million dollars a year.” Quickly I counted up in my head how many more followers I would need to get Instagram to pay me to take random pictures of me and my life. I thought if an average Aussie mum of two can do it surely I can too? If this was a game show this is where the buzzer would come in. Ba Baaang you’re so wrong your out!!
Now really the fault is mine. I should have been clued into that something was off when I had two young men under the age of 25 tell me to check out this average Aussie mum of two – who isn’t a celebrity by the way (which is I think on reflection what they were referring to as the average part, I hope) but is pretty. Alas, I was naïve and after finding this average mum of two on Instagram quickly put aside any hope of Instagram paying this average mother of one a dime let alone over a million dollars. What shot out in front of me was a beautifully coiffed Barbie doll. Big lips, blonde hair, big lashes, great body, Kardashian arse and a set of boobies to match, teeny tiny waist, perfectly manicured nails, big eyes, fully tanned and the nicest gym gear I had ever seen (my poor grotty mis-matched gym gear is hanging its head in shame right now.) Gorgeous yes, average Aussie mother…..no.
When I got home I curiously picked up my phone and looked this woman up on Instagram again. I started scrolling through her pictures and was confronted with one perfect image after another. Always perfectly made up, posing either on her own or with her kids or husband. I got to one picture that showed her standing at her kitchen bench, once again in great gym gear, (I think she might be endorsing the gym gear as well as the protein shake she had in her hand) perfectly made up with her new baby in one arm and a protein shake in the other with the caption “Multi tasking at it’s finest.” With this I laughed and thought to myself “oh my god these poor boys are in for such a shock if they think this is what an average woman with kids is like”. What they are more likely to get is the scene that played out in my house on Monday morning.
Picture this for a moment (let’s pretend I thought to upload it to Instagram). My daughter and I both in mis-matched flannel Pj’s, LMM with Paw Patrol top and Sophia bottoms and me with Betty Boop bottoms and a fluffy jumper with a big love heart on it curtosy of the wee wee’s my daughter decided to do over the two of us while watching frozen the night before. LMM and I both sporting matching birds nests (hair that she has unfortunately inherited from me) at the back of our heads. LMM has snot dripping down her nose and I am sporting lovely panda eyes, as I couldn’t be bothered taking off my mascara the night before. Besides the fact that I’m holding a toddler in lieu of a baby and a cup of tea instead of a protein shake, I’m going to say that while we are both multi tasking I would definitely be considered the average woman not the other way round.
I kept flicking through the images one after another; there was a picture of her inside a gorgeous designer car, as clean as a whistle compared to the likes of my car that hasn’t seen the inside of a car wash in the two years since my daughter was born. Neither has the inside been cleaned in as long. Needless to say at this point it would be easier for me to buy a new car rather than try to salvage this one. There are numerous photos of the mum with her kids wearing white – hands up to her, I can’t wear white any more and I rarely leave my house without some evidence of LMM’s existence on me.
Next I came across a picture of the so-called average mum of two sitting with her kids on the bed in front of the T.V while wearing what I am assuming is either the smallest undies or bathers bottoms I’ve ever seen or a pair of really small hot pants. Either way the image shows the mum sporting very small white bottoms, her flat stomach and her legs (with not one hair in sight) stretched out on her bed with her kids next to her (not one toy or chip in anywhere with the caption ‘my kinda Netflix and chill.’ Once again I had a laugh, thought of the reality that may one day present itself to the young boys from this generation of the ‘perfect Instagram pic’ or my favourite ‘snap chat’, as I re-capped on how I relaxed with my daughter on Sunday. I’ve been told that they could possibly be the ugliest tracksuits pants ever to be brought into this world. I don’t care; I love them and yes perhaps the bottoms do hang so far down my arse it looks like I’m 100 and in need of a butt lift. They also look like a family of mice have made a meal from them (but they do cover the patches of leg hairs I’ve missed in my haste to get out the shower) and perhaps my jumper is 20 years old and is now held toghethr at the arms with safety pins; but I’m comfy and I’m watching movies with my sick daughter who is equally dressed to impress while watching netlfix with her odd socks, christmas pj bottoms and her anna and else pj top on. While we watched netflix I sat with a towl on the chair underneath my daughter as she has decided after being fully toilet trained for the last 6 months to regress and wee herself while being comfy on the living room chair watching her artoons (catoons for those of you unfamiliar with toodler talk.)
Now let me clear something up for any of you who are thinking…..She is just jealous – because I’m not. I can admire a gorgeous woman for what she is, and there is more to this woman as well than just false lashes and a great tan. She is into fitness and trains hard for the body she has, she has her own website where she sells her fitness routine and what she eats online. She is working hard for what she gets from her association with Instagram and other companies that she plugs on her Instagram account and more power to her I say. She can give her family a comfortable life; there would be a lot of people out there who probably wish that they could do the same. I am merely amused that young boys are thinking that this is average, that this is what all woman look like before or after kids. That when they settle down their wife is going to awalk around being a perfectly coiffed barbie doll. When more likely than not the reality of what they will get is a woman who looks like she’s been rolled in last nights makeup, loves wearing her comfiest daggiest and ugliest clothes while lounging round the house (braless) and a child who wants to run roung in the nude which is the reason why they have a cold in the first place!
This woman has created a very very successful business for herself. Her full time job is to promote herself wether through her Instagram account or website or by advertising products she’s endorsing on these platforms as well. What she doesn’t represent though and this is what scares me for my daughter In the future is the average Australian woman or an average woman at all in fact. So all I can say is good luck to all the young men out there on finding your average everyday barbie doll – oh I mean woman!